From: Edgar Suter <[email protected]>
Date: Mon, 3 Apr 00 17:57:24 -0700
Subject: New S&W Commemoratives

I’m sure that by now Smith & Wesson has realized that it has committed a
serious faux paux with the gun owners of America, and will have to rely
on
government contracts to avoid bankruptcy. I’m sure that the brilliant
minds
at Smith & Wesson are thinking of ways to increase sales to federal
agencies. Perhaps they’ve considered the commissioning of new
commemorative firearms. Some possibilities include:

1. The Lon Horiuchi Model 629 Commemorative .44 magnum. This one comes
with a scope with a range-finding feature: when a woman holding a baby
just
fills the two horizontal stadia wires in the scope, you know your target
is
precisely 100 yards away.

2. The Janet Reno Model 625 Commemorative .45 ACP. This model includes
a “Bill of Rights” test target. The unfluted cylinder is engraved with
scenes showing the burning Branch Davidian “compound” and the siege
at Ruby Ridge.

3. The Bill Clinton Model 617 Commemorative .22 LR. This one comes
in a zippered case which automatically unzips in the presence of women.

4. The Al Gore Commemorative Sigma .40 S&W. This gun is actually made
of wood and includes a special “sash” holster for carrying into Buddhist
temples.

5. The Hillary Clinton Commemorative Model 3906 in 9mm. This model
has a dime inlaid in each of the grips, which pop out in case the user
feels
a need to tip any single-mom waitresses.

6. The Vince Foster Model 36 Commemorative .38 “Chief’s” Special with
the
“make it look like suicide barrel” that, when used to shoot someone in
neck,
makes it look like they placed the barrel in their mouth. This “suicide
special” was especially made by S&W using 100% recycled parts salvaged
from Spanish S&W knockoffs originally manufactured between 1900 and 1920.
Thus it is also “Earth friendly” and comes with an official US Department
of
Energy green “Energy Star” sticker.