Rape is an ugly, degrading, and violent crime. Rapists are usually much bigger and stronger than their female victims, but they’re no match for handguns. Handgun Control Incorporated, the Violence Policy Center, and the Bell Campaign will all tell you, however, that handguns are bad. So we’ve come up with this handgun replacement:

Much, much cheaper than a handgun!
Much lighter, too! Less than an ounce, versus a few pounds for a gun.
No license needed to carry, even in Washington DC!
Extra ones can be used for consensual relations with your significant other; extra bullets just go to waste.
Reduces the risks of unwanted pregnancy, venereal disease, and AIDS that are associated with rape!
Ribbed and lubricated for YOUR pleasure, so you can LIE BACK AND ENJOY IT!
All you need to do is ask (did we misspell “beg?”) your assailant to put one on before he violates your body! Now, you may have some doubts as to whether your attacker, who won’t take “No” for an answer, will comply with your request. Rest assured that he will; after all, Handgun Control Incorporated, the Violence Policy Center, and the Bell Campaign all assure you that he will:
Obey laws that require him to get a license to possess a handgun– or refrain from doing so if prior felony convictions disqualify him
Register his handgun
Use a trigger lock on his handgun