Greetings folks, we’re here with two experts in the firearm control field to hopefully get some clarification on this matter of gun control. Please wellcome Alotta Buhlkrappe and I. Wanna Bannammal to the show.

Ms. Buhlkrappe, would you please tell us how much experience you have with firearms?

“Well, none in particular, but I don’t let that get in the way of my professional opinion. Many of us know nothing about them.”
Could you for example tell us the difference between an assault weapon and another form of firearm?
“Well basicly, an assault weapon just looks really scary, like it would work on G.I. Joe or something. Functionally, well, um, it would fire alot of bullets.”
Mr. Bannammal, would you care to comment on that?
“Absolutely. We all know that assaul weapons are large, bulky guns which we tell the public are the most widely used guns by criminals. It helps that they don’t come in flashy colors.”
No doubt! But I was under the impression that what we call junk guns, cheaper pistols which the not so wealthy can use to defend themselves were the choice of criminals?
“Hey, if the public will buy it, we will sell it, so to speak. Besides, there certainly are thugs out there willing to pack a hunting rifle or competition shooting rifle into a store to rob somebody, right? The public would believe it, right?”

And Ms. Buhlkrappe, what would you say to the statement that there is a massive volume of proof from countries such as England and Canada that outright firearm bans do not work that instead they make criminals safer?
“Well, we simply hope that if we keep pumping the fairy tales that gun control works, that the public will be gullible and naive enough to buy it, at least enough for the rich and powerful to be the only ones with guns, I mean, law enforcement and the military!”

Ah, so you agree that personal protection is the duty of the police?
“Absolutely. Everyone knows that America is a shining example of police being about to get to any given crime scene long before the criminal can finish his job. No matter where you are, in a mobile home, in the prairie, mountains, or center of the ‘burbs, the police can handle it, since there is a whopping one policeman for every thirty thousand people!”
What about licenses to carry?
“Mhm” (Mr. Bannammal clears his throat and stirs in his chair) “Well Gene, the fact is that since the Gunshine state began issuing licenses we have seen thirty six states suddenly filled with pistoleros who solve every dispute with guns. Every traffic problem, every spit on the sidewalk, every insult. Blood runs in the streets! It’s a known fact! It’s the wild west out there!”
And you have documentation?
“Of course, it’s here someplace. Ms. Buhlkrappe?”
Well Gene, in a nutshell, we simply have come to a point in history where we realize that Samuel Colt merely wanted to make millions, so he convinced the world that indian attacks and such threats as civil war would make men need to carry firearms. This lie was further reenforced but such pro terrorist organizations as the NRA and JFPFO among others. These organizations just want everyone to carry guns to help make the industry wealthy, and they try to convince women that they actually stand a chance of being raped, in which case merely talking to an assailant is enought o stop 99% of the crimes! Besides, we all know that a handful of rapes and murders each year are perfectly acceptable.”
So 90% of American gun owners are liars and the criminals in prison are simply misunderstood by society?
(Mt. Bannammal slaps a hand on the desk) “Absolutely, Gene! Always trust the government, law enforcement, and countless people who know nothing about guns! Let them control your life! You are far too irresponsible to drive a car, raise kids, pay taxes, own land, run businesses, and carry a gun to protect yourself!”

One more thing, would either of you care to comment on the fact that such important people as Dianne Feinstein, among others, including members of the million mum march have sought to ban guns WHILE THEY THEMSELVES carry licensed firearms, buy guns as gifts and own small collections?
“Well” (Ms. Buhlkrappe grins) these are WEALTHY PEOPLE! They are more important than you and I and while we are expendable in mass, they NEED to remain more secure than us, simply due to, well, the fact that sequins look better on them.”
“That’s right!” Mr. Bannammal chimes in.

Ms. Buhlkrappe turns to the audience. “Folks, we all must come to understand that absolute control works! It worked for Hitler, Stalin and many others. Personal protection, hunting and sports are just excuses to won firearms, and the NRA loves to make money off of sweepstakes! Just like long haired motorcycle riding guys are extremely dangerous with kids and should never be trusted, even with their own. Your government, elected officials, would never lie to you, cheat you or fail to keep your well being in mind while removing dangerous guns from your home by force if neccesary.”

Yes, and keep in mind also that if you join us here at No Stinking Armed Nitwits Ever again, or N.S.A.N.E. you will be sent a boquet of roses with the petals trimmed in the shape of Rosie O’Donnel’s smiling face, called a Boquet of Rosie’s, free of charge! Membership is simple! Turn in every gun you own, and any neighbors who own them, and sit helpless, hoping to hell and praying hard that you can talk your way out of anything! Thank you so much for listening, and join us for our exclusive next time, The Poor Man’s Guide To Hiring Security for Your Children on a Minimum Wage Job!