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Congress Hears Fresh Calls for Axe Control
By Dover Smeed
CNSNews.com Satire
February 07, 2002

(CNSNews.com) – The Paul Bunyan Campaign for Axe Safety Thursday called on Congress to examine ways in which axes, hatchets, mauls and other handled
cutting implements contribute to violence in America.

The group, long known for its efforts in promoting axe control, cited U.S. Product Safety Commission data showing that 14 children are hurt or killed by axes each day in the U.S., with teenage children particularly at risk.

“How many more children have to die before Congress will enact sensible axe control?” asked Bunyan Campaign Executive Director George Herman “Babe”
Bleauoxski. “The time for axe safety is now.”

Among the measures called for by Bleauoxski were axehead locks and high-tech “identity chips” that could be implanted into hickory axe handles, ensuring that only the owner of the axe could wield it.

The Paul Bunyan Campaign has also called for federal regulations on axe weight and length. “There is no reason on Earth for anyone to need a seven pound maul,” said Bleauoxski. “We need to limit the head weight on axes and mauls to keep our children safe.”

Advocating restrictions on axe length has been more difficult. Most axes have handles of 32 inches, and some have called for limiting axe handle lengths to 24 inches in the name of safety.

But others are concerned that a short handled axe, sometimes referred to as a youth axe, could make the implements of destruction more attractive to young people, sending the wrong message to children.

“The last thing we need to do is attract more kids into the axe culture,” said Penny Kindling, who chairs the group Axes of Evil. Kindling, who lobbies Congress on axe legislation, prefers a total ban on the instruments.

“We, as a species, were doing just fine before the Iron Age,” said Kindling. “Ridding the world of edged weapons is no less important to our sustained future than curing AIDS.”

Confronting both Kindling and the Bunyan Campaign are the forces of the National Axe Association, which has given millions of dollars in campaign contributions to politicians who support its pro-axe and pro-chopping positions.

“Our position remains unchanged,” said NAA Executive Vice President Dwayne LaPierpoint. “Axes don’t kill, people kill. That’s why Project Axeile has proven so effective.”

Project Axeile, a pilot program underway in Philadelphia and Richmond, Va., requires mandatory jail terms for people convicted of using an axe in the commission of a felony.

“We don’t need more axe control laws, we simply need to enforce the existing axe laws,” argued LaPierpoint.

Scrutiny of axe use has intensified since the Sept. 11 attacks, and some in Congress have advocated allowing commercial airline pilots and flight crews to carry axes to prevent hijackings. Currently, only trained sky marshals are permitted to carry axes on commercial domestic flights.