March 16, 2000

Kathleen Hopkins
Organizer for MMM of Colorado

>Dear Kathleen,

I hope you will take time to read my e-mail because it provides a mother’s
viewpoint of what can be accomplished in one’s life after losing an only
child to suicide. In my situation, I lost my only child to a firearm’s
suicide. I belong to a couple of suicide survivor’s support groups (one
just for parents) and every Christmas I provide “The Annual Memory Tree of
Lights” for those who have lost loved ones to suicide. This has been
beautifully covered by the Gazette (Colorado) for the past two years. This
tree provides a special and safe place for people to grieve and attach
names of their departed loved ones to a colored light. This tree is in my
front yard and I have had people sitting at the bench next to the tree at
all hours of the night. I find myself privately kneeling just inside my
living room window, and praying for them that God will comfort them and
ease their endless pain.

I was raised by a wonderful woman who taught me about being “fair” and
reasonable with decisions and opinions. I feel that I have succeeded in
growing up to become just such a woman…someone who has found a way to
balance compassion with fairness. My goal is to serve people and to help
woman, children, elderly, minorities (any oppressed people) to gain
confidence, self-esteem, self-respect, and to help them realize that they
are an empowered people! Their lives have VALUE! They do not have to be a
victim! I have come across a number of women who have been victims of rape
or domestic violence and who are beginning to realize that they CAN stop a
bad relative, friend or stranger from hurting them. This is so encouraging
because no person or group of persons have the right to violate another
person. Woman (especially) have been a victim of violence because we did
not know how or that we could fight back. More and more women are now
taking control of their lives and learning about many self-defense options
in order to protect themselves from being a victim. Some of these woman are
victims of people they already know and it is more imperative for them to
protect themselves. I, too, am a rape survivor of 31 years and was in a
domestic situation where I feared for my life. I remember the Director of
the shelter, where I stayed, had encouraged me to make sure I had my gun
with me when I left the shelter. I remember her words “…woman of domestic
violence need a firearm for protection more than anyone else.” She was a
great lady and she knew the realities of what “some” angry or sick men can
do to women. When I checked back into the shelter, I locked it in her file
cabinet which was fine with me because our shelter was very secure.

Kathleen, I recently received one of your emails. I take offense to one of
your blanket statements. I have copied the section of your email that I
find offensive below:

> >> > Sometimes we build walls. Some of us who have lost loved ones,
> >> > particularly our children, to gun violence are so repulsed by the
> >> > thought of even seeing a gun that we cannot fathom how another person
> >> > could bear to pick one up. My personal belief is that it would be
> >> > completely abnormal for that person to NOT feel such revulsion. I
> >>> know someone who has lost two children, one to suicide, one to a
> hunting
> >> > accident, who still is a member of the NRA and still says he’ll fight
> >> > to the death to protect the “2nd Amendment.” I consider this man
> >> > unbalanced. There is no way, in my view, that any parent who has lost
> >> > a child can hold to a “pro-gun” view without jeopardizing his or her
> >> > mental health.

There are many parents who have lost children to hanging, firearms,
burning, drugs, etc. All of us will eternally grieve and there are many
people (like yourself, which is fine) who do not understand the intensity
of our pain. I have spoken with other grieving parents who lost their child
to a firearms suicide. The majority of these parents feel as I do about not
blaming our loved ones’ method of choice, and who are still “balanced” and
pillars in their community. There are many people who understand the
importance of your personal right to protect yourself from a rape or
violence and who recognize your personal right to protect your children
from being raped, sodomized or beaten to death. Many of us survivors are
encouraging safety education for children and adults as well as responsible
gun ownership WITHOUT taking away “your” right to defend yourself or anyone
else’s right.

I do not want to believe that you are malicious.
I do not want to believe that you want to prevent women from defending
themselves in a domestic violence situation.
I do not want to believe that you want to prevent a woman from protecting
her husband should thugs be beating on him.
I do not want to believe that you want to prevent a family member or baby
sitter from protecting a child from violence.

Kathleen, currently you have:
1) the choice of whether or not you want to protect yourself and/or loved
ones, and
2) the choice of whether or not you want yourself and/or your loved ones to
suffer the consequences of not protecting them, and 3) the choice of
selecting what layers of protection you will use for protecting yourself
and/or loved ones.

Currently, “you” and “I” have choices! We have options! This is one reason
why America is so great. The more we end up like England, then the more we
are screaming to our Founding Fathers that their fleeing England with their
families in search of freedom and protecting their rights was a waste of
time. They know what it was like to be a “subject.” They refused to be a
“subject” and left the country for new opportunities and gave birth to
America. America represents freedom. People who do not appreciate freedom
and being a “citizen” of America and who prefer being a “subject” should
consider moving to a country that supports their thinking and beliefs.

I and other grieving parents take offense to your statement that we are
“unbalanced” or that our mental health is in “jeopardy” merely because we
have worked so hard, through our grief, to recognize AND respect the
majority of lives that are saved each year with a firearm (by brandishing
or by using), and that we should continue to protect those wonderful stats.
At the same time, we address the importance of challenging poor medical
treatment / poor school systems / poor government systems for those who
suffer with depression! Lives saved with the use of firearms far outweigh
accidental or deliberate deaths!

Please read my attached letter (WORD program), which is in the current
issue of Women & Guns. Please don’t turn the article off because of the
title of this magazine. It is a highly credible publication (not a
extremist type publication). My article shares a little bit of my walk in
this life. I think it may help you understand where I, and other people
like me, are coming from.

I would greatly appreciate hearing back from you.

Brenda Flowers
Mother of Kimberly
Only child ~ Forever 18